God called me a wimp.
Well, maybe not quite that bluntly but I am confident that is what was meant to be my take-away!
I was stewing over feeling misunderstood, again. Frustrated that what I thought I had clearly communicated didn't even register, again.
Angry that as a result, something I had looked forward to now felt like punishment, again.
People just don't seem to hear me...
Poor me.
God said (did i imagine it?) "Then make yourself heard...stop being a wimp."
Am I a wimp?
Over the next several weeks I thought about this conversation with God, considering my go-to MO:
Step One- Discover a desire, preference, opinion, intention
Step Two- Question it...i.e. Is it fair? Is it selfish? Will it prove to be true or successful?
Step Three-Tentatively and quietly allude to the thought with involved parties, being sure to avoid demand or aggressive communication.
Step Four- Begin to worry whether the parties involved acknowledge or agree and perhaps make a subtle re-mention.
Step Five- Resent not being heard...or misunderstood...brain-storm ways to still carry through with said thought or desire.
I think my MO could be called passive aggressive...which is a psychological term for wimpy, self-assertiveness.
In order to avoid seeming bossy or over-powering, I am unclear. In order to avoid being the owner of a bad idea, I am covert. In order to achieve what I want while still feeling good about myself I make "suggestions" that really in my heart were demands all along.
My feelings about many things are not wishy washy but I communicate them as such, and in the end the true nature of the depth of my convictions comes leaking out in destructive ways, trapping me in outcomes I never intended.
Of course...this interior maneuvering has been largely subconscious, until God said "Stop being a wimp".
He is teaching me to take responsibility for my convictions and the outcome of living by them-whatever that may mean, free to be who I am because of trusting in His love and good intentions.
And that leads me back to John the Baptist.
Here was a man who lived by his convictions; a man who spoke things like He saw them.
John was not sneaky...he was blatant.
"See that man- that's the son of God."
"See that king- he took his brother's wife...that's just plain wrong".
And this kind of courage to speak truth cost John his head.
What were John's reflections while he languished in prison...considering his fate?
I wanted to go with Andrew and John as they followed Jesus but I was supposed to get people ready to meet Him...not follow along myself, wasn't I? I still hear the words Jesus spoke to them drifting over the Jordan: "What are you seeking?...Come and you will see".
The memory haunts me now.
He could have invited me along...couldn't He?
I could be with Him now but instead Jesus seems to have forgotten me altogether.
Who can I possibly prepare to welcome Him from this cell?
John and Andrew have visited and excitedly described all that Jesus is doing.
I trust they share their experience with Him in hopes of comforting me...
but what am I to think when the supposed One who came to set us free, leaves me behind bars?
I'm straining to quench my thirst with mis-directed rain water while He turns water to wine.
I'm deserted while He enjoys crowds of followers.
My eyes are unable to focus in this darkness while He makes others see.
Have I been played the fool?
Andrew and John also shared Jesus' words...
"Blessed is the one who is not offended by me."
It dawns on me that what Jesus is doing of miracles, He will not do for me...
His kingdom IS at hand but that looks a lot different from where I'm sitting.
John had Jesus' deepest respect (Matthew 11:11) yet, Jesus' work on John's behalf seems a far cry from John's intentions. John lived his life with courage and conviction and in the end he learned to trust.
Jesus' love set him free.
When like committed linnets I
With shriller throat shall sing
The sweetness, mercy, majesty,
And glories of my King:
When I shall voice aloud how good
He is, how great should be,
Enlarged winds, that curl the flood,
Know no such liberty.
Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage:
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for an hermitage.
If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone, that soar above,
Enjoy such liberty.
-Richard Lovelace, second two stanzas of: To Althea from Prison
