Stop Being a Wimp!

God called me a wimp.
Well, maybe not quite that bluntly but I am confident that is what was meant to be my take-away!
I was stewing over feeling misunderstood, again. Frustrated that what I thought I had clearly communicated didn't even register, again.
Angry that as a result, something I had looked forward to now felt like punishment, again.
People just don't seem to hear me...
Poor me.
God said (did i imagine it?) "Then make yourself heard...stop being a wimp."
Am I a wimp?
Over the next several weeks I thought about this conversation with God, considering my go-to MO:
Step One- Discover a desire, preference, opinion, intention
Step Two- Question it...i.e. Is it fair? Is it selfish? Will it prove to be true or successful?
Step Three-Tentatively and quietly allude to the thought with involved parties, being sure to avoid demand or aggressive communication.
Step Four- Begin to worry whether the parties involved acknowledge or agree and perhaps make a  subtle re-mention.
Step Five- Resent not being heard...or misunderstood...brain-storm ways to still carry through with said thought or desire.
I think my MO could be called passive aggressive...which is a psychological term for wimpy, self-assertiveness.
In order to avoid seeming bossy or over-powering, I am unclear. In order to avoid being the owner of a bad idea, I am covert. In order to achieve what I want while still feeling good about myself I make "suggestions" that really in my heart were demands all along.
My feelings about many things are not wishy washy but I communicate them as such, and in the end the true nature of the depth of my convictions comes leaking out in destructive ways, trapping me in outcomes I never intended.
Of course...this interior maneuvering has been largely subconscious, until God said "Stop being a wimp".
He is teaching me to take responsibility for my convictions and the outcome of living by them-whatever that may mean, free to be who I am because of trusting in His love and good intentions.
And that leads me back to John the Baptist.
Here was a man who lived by his convictions; a man who spoke things like He saw them.
John was not sneaky...he was blatant.
"See that man- that's the son of God."
"See that king- he took his brother's wife...that's just plain wrong".
And this kind of courage to speak truth cost John his head.
What were John's reflections while he languished in prison...considering his fate?

      I wanted to go with Andrew and John as they  followed Jesus but I was supposed to get people ready to meet Him...not follow along myself, wasn't I? I still hear the words Jesus spoke to them drifting over the Jordan: "What are you seeking?...Come and you will see".
The memory haunts me now.
He could have invited me along...couldn't He?
I could be with Him now but instead Jesus seems to have forgotten me altogether.
Who can I possibly prepare to welcome Him from this cell?
John and Andrew have visited and excitedly described all that Jesus is doing.
I trust they share their experience with Him in hopes of comforting me...
but what am I to think when the supposed One who came to set us free, leaves me behind bars?
I'm straining to quench my thirst with mis-directed rain water while He turns water to wine.
I'm deserted while He enjoys crowds of followers.
My eyes are unable to focus in this darkness while He makes others see.
Have I been played the fool?
Andrew and John also shared Jesus' words...
"Blessed is the one who is not offended by me."
It dawns on me that what Jesus is doing of miracles, He will not do for me...
His kingdom IS at hand but that looks a lot different from where I'm sitting.

John had Jesus' deepest respect (Matthew 11:11) yet, Jesus' work on John's behalf seems a far cry from John's intentions. John lived his life with courage and conviction and in the end he learned to trust.
Jesus' love set him free.

When like committed linnets I
With shriller throat shall sing
The sweetness, mercy, majesty,
And glories of my King:
When I shall voice aloud how good
He is, how great should be,
Enlarged winds, that curl the flood,
Know no such liberty.

Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage:
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for an hermitage.
If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone, that soar above,
Enjoy such liberty.

-Richard Lovelace, second two stanzas of: To Althea from Prison

"If I Were..."

"Exponential" is a fun word to say but I wish I didn't have to use it to describe the rate at which time flies. "Blogging" is a really fun word as well. Go ahead and say it; "Blogging". There's just something about the b with the l and the gg in the middle that makes me feel as if I'm spitting and choking at the same time and yet enjoying it. Along with a gazillion other people, I enjoy blogging - not just saying the word.
But there are three personal impediments to blogging:
1. The exponential rate at which time flies past me, stampeding my to-do lists .
2. The nagging feeling that it really just boils down to a self-centered pursuit.
"Read what I think"
"Look what I did"
3. A growing disdain for facebook, the only avenue of marketing no-name amateurs such as myself.
Putting all that aside...
I have an inspiration to write a series of blogs called: "If I were..."
These will be meditations on interactions with Jesus in the Gospels.
Trying to use my imagination as if I were the Biblical character with Jesus is even more fun than blogging. My hope is that I will get better at it as we go and I hope anyone who bothers with this blog, will try it for themselves. After all, Jesus isn't just a word...He is THE WORD. He isn't just a product of imagination. He is real.
Ignatius of Loyola encouraged his students to read about Jesus with imagination. And in so doing, meet Him in a new way.
"Scripture is living. It's meant to take root, growing and flowering in the heart and mind. Don't just know what the story says; know how it feels..." Recapturing the Wonder, Mike Cosper.
What if it were you catching the fish, receiving your sight, or watching Jesus die?
I'm beginning with the first to testify to the reality of Jesus, John the Baptist.

If I were John the Baptist…

I stood, waist-high, in lotus colored waters calling to my people “Turn back to God! Come back to a relationship with Him. Live honest, generous lives- characteristic of God Himself! Our moment of liberation is here! Our advocate is close by and ready to fight for us. Get ready to join Him in the battle!”.

Every day I searched their desperate eyes and challenged them to humble themselves, daring them to continue in hope for God to make good on His promises.

My own heart dangled in desperation with them; but I was not going to just sit around. I don’t remember a time that I wasn’t dreaming of helping God’s people prepare for their Messiah. My mother loved to tell me about a confidence she had that my cousin, Jesus, was the One. So I had waited and watched Him with growing urgency. My people should not, could not continue on in abuse and faithlessness, weak in every way.

And this is where I stood and what I was thinking the day He came to me.

Down the bank as rocks tumbled, Jesus came to me.

Into the rivers of baptism, he came to me.

And everything in me repelled the thought of His obvious intention.

I am a man of authority myself...I am “the baptizer”. But in that moment my need of Him was overwhelming; how could I not protest?

I stared at the face of my cousin and felt my whole life gather itself up into a drop that fell and joined the cool swirls around us.

“John, you must allow what I am asking of you... this gathering of God and man...the reign of His life in yours and all these ones around us, now!”

His leanness filled my arms.

His face dropped beneath, obscured.

Then up He came. Light ripped and slipped from heaven, resting on His shoulder and with it an eerie silence gave way to a voice “This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased.”
If I had had any doubts...and if I'm honest, I had- they scattered.

I was holding in my arms everything I needed...but He wasn't just for me; I had to let Him go.

So, I watched Him-

climb the bank, scattering more doubt and more stones as He went.

And I threw my voice to the wind...to my followers.”Follow Him!” I heard myself yell, “He is the One- God's own gift, the One I've been trying to tell you about!”

Their eyes turned from mine to His, as the tongues and the waves wagged around me.

Praying

I've been praying.
Praying things heavy.
Praying things unknown by me.
Praying Colossians 2:1-10
Praying, that we, the ones who've called Him our God...
would have hearts that would be encouraged as a result of loving relationships with each other.
Praying that we would all continue to gather the kind of wealth that comes from confidence that we are on a journey of understanding;
and this journey will take us into a real and intimate knowing of Jesus.
Who He was,
Who He is
and in whom are ALL the other priceless things we long to know
and need to know
of what is true-
good and beautiful.
Again, the path to understanding what life is about
is in him.
I pray this -
to remind us not to be fooled, deluded
by persuasive argument.
For even though I am limited in time, in space, in my humanity
His Spirit in me and in you...
can grant the clarity we long for,
and in disciplining our minds
to be informed by our hearts
that must be informed by HIS Spirit...
THEN
we can be glad
so thankful
for the stability
HE grants our faith.
For how can we expect that minds and hearts formed in a twisted version of what is true, good and beautiful have any hope of discovering it through those same twisted sources?
Twisted philosophies
Twisted imaginations
Twisted reasonings
As we have received Christ Jesus the Lord...
(by faith not reason, philosophy or imagination or the most thorough liturgy)
SO walk in Him.
Continue on, BY FAITH...(the vision of what is physically unseen - but
of the Spirit), known through relationship with Him.
Our faith is not stupid, concocted foolishness
when it is rooted in the reality of love with Him.
Having been FIRMLY rooted, built up in Him.
Continue in faith!!
You've learned already...so be thankful for all that groundwork!
See to it...you must watch over your mind and heart and all the work that has been accomplished in you already.
If you are not diligent in your faith, nurturing and caring for your relationship, your heart connection with Him who made you,
you are susceptible to be swept away and captivated by philosophy
empty reasoning from empty hearts, fooled into reasoning away the Creator...
who set aside their origins by things passed down from other men
of limited and twisted understanding.
Human smarts will NEVER equal godly wisdom.
They are not one and the same!
Instead, look to the One who came to untwist us
our Savior, Jesus Christ.
For in Him and Him alone
ALL that is beyond us
greater than us
truer than us
lives in the flesh!
Redeeming all that our flesh was meant to be.
We do have an authority.
We do have a place to go for answers.
We do have a dependable final WORD.
And He and only He
will make everything right again.
Amen

Raised Eyebrows

I've spent the last two weeks staring at my grandson. His little face is so sweet and right now, he likes to raise his barely visible eyebrows.
My kids always disliked my eyebrows;
not their color, not their form butthe fact that my eyebrows were on a continual journey to my hairline.
My kids knew that if my eyebrows were up, my back was up and they would not listen to my words until those eyebrows made their way back down to where they belonged.
Did you know that only about 7% of communication is understood through words? This is disappointing to someone who enjoys words! What are the implications? The implications are that my words are almost entirely interpreted through the effects of my tone and my body language. Tone and body language are far more effective at conveying my heart than the words I choose. So while I may hope to control my words with wisdom...I cannot always control my fingers, my lips, my shoulders, my arms...
My tapping foot may betray my impatient heart while my mouth is speaking words of understanding. My narrowed lids may condemn while my mouth speaks forgiveness.
The thing is, our hearts are the instructors of our thoughts, and our hearts are in a struggle.
Even when we know our hearts may be wrong,
even when we are trying to get our tongues to behave,
our hearts are there to twist up what we are attempting to straighten.
I simply cannot say effective words (or write them) if I am forming them exclusively by ruminating in my inner world. Communication, in all forms, reaches out from the heart and touches others from tricky tangled wounds and limits.
"The heart is deceitful above all things...". Jer. 17:9
King David knew this!
In Psalm 139:17 he writes: "How precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!" but in verse 2, he writes: "You understand my thought_ from afar"
So, where God's thoughts are endlessly plural, a treasure hunt...an adventure, a discovery; my thoughts are incredibly limited, singular and predictable.
David recognizes these truths about himself and God. Instead of treasuring his own opinions, musings and conclusions, he seeks the God who perfectly understands and loves.
This is convicting to me.
My heart IS a tricky and tangled maze of feelings. My feelings have developed through my own experiences...and as a result, I have limited understanding and my thoughts can be misleading.
That's why above all, I absolutely MUST find His thoughts far more precious than my own! His thoughts toward us come from His pure heart. His thoughts are endlessly wise and immeasurably good.
And while His thoughts are communicated to me through His Word, I interpret them through what feels like His tone and His body language.
The Church, as Christ's body-
is communicating Him through our "body" language.
We help or hurt each other's ability to know Him.
I have to ask:
Do our shrugs say "He is indifferent" while our mouths speak "He cares"?
Do our raised chins say "He is a tyrant" while we recite "He came to serve"?
Do our shaking heads say "He's done with you" while we quote "He saves"?

Christ's "body language" is emerging from His people and influencing the interpretations of His Word.
If I cannot trust the thoughts I form from hurt feelings and limited perceptions,
if my communication is screaming from deeper places than my intellect or carefully developing theology than my heart must be lifted to Him again and again and again
for His examination and correction.
The One who created my "inmost being" is the One who knows and the only One whose thoughts can be trusted.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart..." Psalm 139:23
show me the hurtful ways in me,
and lead me in the way that leads to You.

What’s mine, is Yours

Yesterday
My baby had a baby.
Every baby is a miracle;
 some arrivals make that fact a little more obvious.
She was sick.
He was stuck.
We were waiting...
But at 11:12AM,
They rescued him from where a baby cannot stay,
And her from what a momma cannot bare.
In another time or another place
Yesterday may not have been what it was...
And we are so grateful to live here
And to live now!
While I waited I mostly prayed for MY baby,
while she prayed for hers.
This is motherhood: baby
sitting, pressing, calling on your heart.
Don’t get me wrong-
My baby’s baby
Is beautiful, precious.
We already love him with swells and bursts and awe.
But my baby’s baby will make my baby’s life more difficult at times.
So I will first,
Think of the one who came first...the one I like to call “mine”.
What a day!
I don’t remember going to bed last night.
But I remember my dream.
I was bald...it was grotesque! My hair fell in a ring,
like a monk, around a circle of white fuzz on the top of my head.
...A scary little subconscious dose
Of the reality of mortality .
So today, I am so grateful to live here
And now
for the One who likes to call me “mine”...
As this life just keeps tromping along!

“Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.
But the lovingkindness of the Lord
Is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him.
And His righteousness to children’s children.”
 Psalm 103:13,17
“I ask on their behalf...of those whom You have given me;
for they are Yours;
And all things that are Mine are Yours, and Yours are mine...”
Jesus- John 17:9-10a
“This is eternal life, that they may know You,
The only true God, and Jesus Christ
Whom You have sent.” V. 3

Happy New Year

Welcome to the most celebrated holiday in the world! Last night we saw displays of excitement from cultures we never even think about, from intriguing to the bazaar, poignant to pointless. But all having this in common: humans wonder what's to come. 2017 may have left us fleeing into 2018 or reluctantly shoved...but we are all curious about what will fill the next 365 days.
This past year was a constant counting for us;
deadlines and due dates, furniture, children, the stuff of changes...bustling in and out, filling and emptying our house faster than I could sweep up the swirling dust bunnies.
Counting days began in the beginning -when God agreed to make Himself, the immeasurable...measurable and in that moment He made matter, matter.
Days matter. Days are meant to be filled.
After all, what is measuring and counting all about if not to determine fullness
and to evaluate the how and the when of what is spent?
Given all that I wish I had written about on the spending of 2017, I have a new journal for 2018.
It is thick and blank and green.
And I intend to fill it with the black ink of record-keeping, of the how and when my days are filled and drained and filled again.
Will this year be a year when long longings are filled or hidden ones are brutally exposed or when I am simply left to wait to understand the purpose of it all?
Ephesians 4:10 reminds us that Jesus came to "fill all things", even time itself.
Galatians 4:4 says, "But when the fullness of time had come, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons."
The purpose of time was for God to make himself knowable, tangible, seen and felt and the best representation of all He is and all He meant humanity to be- is Jesus. Jesus IS the purpose of every moment of every day of every year so that the whole earth would be filled with His power and beauty and love. Jesus' life was spent because ours needed to be set back on track, filled and spent on the more we were designed for...life as His children.
I am so thankful for God's power and kindness in redeeming us and the moments of our lives. I'm so thankful for how Jesus emptied Himself so that we could "know the love of Christ which surpasses (mere) knowledge, so that we may be filled up (with the actual experience) of all the fullness of God." Eph. 3:19
I pray that our new days will become exciting displays of His love, power, and beauty.
May the redemption of our moments,
our stupidities and clarities
failures and victories
wanderings and findings
losings and winnings
takings and givings
count when they are counted.
Happy
New
Year!

A Borrowed Wish

American Christmas comes and squeezes us; jangling our pockets and wringing the last ounce of our energies. Yet, in the art of ancients...we see a composed Mary bowed in admiration. An aura of fullness and wonder somehow still emotes through centuries, since that wondrous night.
Fullness and wonder
How?
We are squeezed and wrung!
Mary's heart was waiting and wishing for the Promised One.
Mary's heart was humble and focused.
And when the waiting finally gave way to the Answer,
Mary's wish was granted and she rejoiced.
Here is what Mary wished for:
God's best wishes...not flimsy, ill-conceived, or poorly timed.
God's best wishes:
"His mercy upon generation after generation toward those who fear Him."
 Lk. 1:50
"Lifting the humble" v. 52
"Filling the hungry" v. 53
Performing "mighty deeds with His arm" v. 51
Deeds of protection and justice,
The Answer to Mary's wish, the coming of Jesus was the initiation of God's wishes for us coming true...
The first Christmas was the initiation of God toward humanity.
In America and all over the world we are still waiting to see His wishes for us in the fullness of hearts yielded to Him.
So I'm going to borrow Mary's wishes this Christmas-
That, waiting for Him to bring us all into the "great things" He has promised, will prepare our hearts in humility and focus so that when our waiting gives way to His answer, we are ready to rejoice!

Prayer:"

Lord, teach us to wait like your faithful servants. When our days are full of freedom and space, guard us from sowing hope in temporal things, which have no permanence and make us hollow. When our days are full of strife and pain, guard us from despairing of your love. Teach us to wait like Simeon, who lived only to see the Son of God. Teach us to wait like Anna, who made her home in the house of the Lord. Teach us, the church, to say with one voice, ‘mine eyes will see the salvation of the Lord.”

Amen. JessamyDelling, http://ccca.biola.edu/advent/2017/#day-dec-24